Intense children can wear us out both emotionally and physically. However,
many of the great geniuses of our time were challenging children so there is a
positive side to all of that energy and stubborness. In the meantime, what is a
parent to do?
Children who have a lot of energy like to explore and are naturally curious
which in turn means they are corrected a lot! Howard Glasser said it best when
he said parents are a child's favorite toy. They know exactly what buttons to
push to animate us. Unfortunately it is usually with a negative response. After
a while it just becomes natural to seek negative attention because we spend so
much time correcting them that when they are quiet we take a break and don't
want to disturb the peace and so a pattern develops. With other children,
negative attention is better than no attention so they seek acknowledgement the
only way they know how- by acting out.
It is easy to see how a negative self-image can be shaped quickly. Most
parents will try the traditional rewards and consequences with these children
and become frustrated because nothing seems to work. Both the child and parent
become locked into behaviors that don't solve the problem and sometimes magnify
it until one or both give up. With any parenting strategy, persistence is a key
factor. Children will always test the new system to see if you will be
consistent. Sometimes you will see the negative behavior escalate for a short
time. A plan should be in place a minimum of a month before you evaluate the
success or failure.
In studying many of the parenting methods, I see a lot of logic to the
Nurtured Heart approach. The approach itself is simple but powerful. The idea is
to give as little power and energy to negative behaviors as possible and put the
energy into the positive moments. This doesn't mean you don't give consequences
or ignore bad behavior but you deliver those consequences with less emotion and
energy. When giving attention to the positive behaviors, it is important that
you are specific and praise something that the child can't mentally negate. For
example: rather than say, "You are a good boy." You would say, "I see you are
really putting a lot of effort in that." You could also say something like,
"Thank you for being quiet when your sister is sleeping." The praise reflects a
specific behavior not a vague compliment. In this way the child can't reject the
statement if it doesn't fit with his/her self image. Eventually, the child sees
the energy is given to the positive behavior and you can subtly flip the
script.
This technique ties in quite nicely with tradional parenting strategies and
can be used with sticker charts or rewards systems. Some parents do behavior
bucks, chore bucks, and/or homework bucks depending on the goal. There are many
templates on line or you may design your own using a school picture or putting
the child's name on the currency. One parent with a diffcult child who liked to
argue everything would allow him to argue but it cost him $5 for mom to give him
5 minutes. After a while it wasn't worth the money to him but he always had the
option if he felt he needed to complain.
A final tip for using rewards is not to do something that costs money as a
motivator on a regular basis. Not only does it get expensive on you, the child
becomes conditioned to that and it becomes the only bribe you have. In my next
blog, I will offer creative rewards that can be used that cost little or no
money.
many of the great geniuses of our time were challenging children so there is a
positive side to all of that energy and stubborness. In the meantime, what is a
parent to do?
Children who have a lot of energy like to explore and are naturally curious
which in turn means they are corrected a lot! Howard Glasser said it best when
he said parents are a child's favorite toy. They know exactly what buttons to
push to animate us. Unfortunately it is usually with a negative response. After
a while it just becomes natural to seek negative attention because we spend so
much time correcting them that when they are quiet we take a break and don't
want to disturb the peace and so a pattern develops. With other children,
negative attention is better than no attention so they seek acknowledgement the
only way they know how- by acting out.
It is easy to see how a negative self-image can be shaped quickly. Most
parents will try the traditional rewards and consequences with these children
and become frustrated because nothing seems to work. Both the child and parent
become locked into behaviors that don't solve the problem and sometimes magnify
it until one or both give up. With any parenting strategy, persistence is a key
factor. Children will always test the new system to see if you will be
consistent. Sometimes you will see the negative behavior escalate for a short
time. A plan should be in place a minimum of a month before you evaluate the
success or failure.
In studying many of the parenting methods, I see a lot of logic to the
Nurtured Heart approach. The approach itself is simple but powerful. The idea is
to give as little power and energy to negative behaviors as possible and put the
energy into the positive moments. This doesn't mean you don't give consequences
or ignore bad behavior but you deliver those consequences with less emotion and
energy. When giving attention to the positive behaviors, it is important that
you are specific and praise something that the child can't mentally negate. For
example: rather than say, "You are a good boy." You would say, "I see you are
really putting a lot of effort in that." You could also say something like,
"Thank you for being quiet when your sister is sleeping." The praise reflects a
specific behavior not a vague compliment. In this way the child can't reject the
statement if it doesn't fit with his/her self image. Eventually, the child sees
the energy is given to the positive behavior and you can subtly flip the
script.
This technique ties in quite nicely with tradional parenting strategies and
can be used with sticker charts or rewards systems. Some parents do behavior
bucks, chore bucks, and/or homework bucks depending on the goal. There are many
templates on line or you may design your own using a school picture or putting
the child's name on the currency. One parent with a diffcult child who liked to
argue everything would allow him to argue but it cost him $5 for mom to give him
5 minutes. After a while it wasn't worth the money to him but he always had the
option if he felt he needed to complain.
A final tip for using rewards is not to do something that costs money as a
motivator on a regular basis. Not only does it get expensive on you, the child
becomes conditioned to that and it becomes the only bribe you have. In my next
blog, I will offer creative rewards that can be used that cost little or no
money.
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