Thu, 28 Dec 2023 06:06:25 -0500WeeblyThu, 25 Jan 2018 23:54:22 GMThttps://www.nbhctoledo.com/parenting-intense-children/what-should-i-do-when-my-child-says-im-dumbExperts Weigh In: “What Should I Do When My Child Says ‘I’m Dumb’?”            By The Understood Team
It may be one of the most painful things to hear your child say: “I’m dumb” or “I’m stupid.” Your immediate reaction might be “No you’re not!” But is that a helpful way to respond? How you react can have a positive impact on your child’s self-esteem and his motivation to keep working on his challenges.
Here, five experts weigh in on what to do if your child says he’s dumb.
What’s the most helpful way to react?
Mark Griffin: It’s critical to acknowledge that your child feels like he’s not measuring up. You don’t want to just brush his concerns away or simply tell him that you think he’s smart. He knows you’ll say that because you’re his parent and love him. It’s your job! He needs to hear about his strengths and to feel you have concrete reasons to believe he’ll be successful.
Donna Volpitta: Focus on the idea that this feeling is a reaction to a situation, not a trait he has. It’s not about being smart or not smart. He’s just feeling frustrated about specific things.
Try to understand what’s making him feel this way. Help him realize that he can be in control of finding strategies that can help him with the challenge. Talk about different options he has.
Bob Cunningham: The most helpful way to react depends a lot on the situation. Say your child is having difficulty with a task, like homework. In that case, a matter-of-fact response reminding him that he’s just having trouble with one specific thing usually works best.
Sometimes, though, kids will make a statement about being dumb or feeling stupid seemingly out of the blue. Or they may bring it up a few times over a couple of days. In those cases, having a short conversation usually helps.
In any of these instances, an overly emotional response from you will likely not make the situation better. It’s important to be supportive and caring, but it’s equally important to be realistic. Otherwise, what you say may not seem credible to your child.
Jenn Osen-Foss: Be calm, but respond immediately. That provides clear and constant feedback that counters the comment.
Annie Fox: Before getting too upset and running the risk of overreacting, remember that context is everything. Take on the role of a detective with a mission to find out as much information as possible before weighing in.
For example, does “I’m dumb” reflect your child’s true feelings about himself? Or was he just frustrated by an inability to master a task? Is he repeating an insult he heard from a classmate or sibling? Calmly talk to your child and find out as much as you can.
What are helpful things you can say?
Bob Cunningham: No matter the situation, it’s important to acknowledge your child’s feelings. You can try saying something like, “I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I know it’s frustrating, but that doesn’t mean you’re dumb.” If your child was reacting to something that’s challenging, you can often leave it at that and move on.
If a longer conversation is needed, you could open it by saying, “It makes me sad when you say that because I know it isn’t true. You’re great at swimming, art and math. So tell me why you feel this way.” This will open up the conversation and will allow you to get a sense of what is going on.
Donna Volpitta: Respond calmly to his comment by saying, “What makes you feel that way?” By doing that, you open up the conversation. From there you can focus on understanding why he’s feeling that way and how he can take action to feel better.
Jenn Osen-Foss: Use “I” statements like “I don’t believe that’s true.” If you’ve never discussed your child’s learning or attention issues with him, this is a good time to explain them in age-appropriate terms. It’s helpful for kids to understand what’s going on in an age-appropriate context.
If your child is in grade school, just explain that taking longer to do something doesn’t mean he’s not smart. If he’s older, you can talk about his specific learning difference in more specific detail.
Mark Griffin: Use clear, concrete responses that let him know he is really capable. But you can also acknowledge that he faces difficulties in some areas.
It’s important to consistently reinforce his strengths and talents. Honest praise can do wonders for kids who struggle. You might say things like, “You’re a smart kid who sometimes has trouble with reading. You know more about sports than anyone in the family and you can fix anything around the house! You’ve also done some incredible work on the senior citizen project in town.”
Annie Fox: Ask what your child means by the word “dumb.” It might not mean the same to him as it does to you. Once you get clearer on his meaning, ask: “What’s making you feel that way?” Or, “What just happened that made you feel ‘dumb’?” Calm, respectful, open-ended questioning will put your child at ease and allow him to speak from the heart.
Remind your child that there are different ways of being “smart” and different learning strengths. Show that you’re well aware of areas in which your child shines by catching him in the act of doing something right.
What’s important to avoid saying?
Donna Volpitta: Your immediate natural reaction when your child says, “I’m dumb” may be to say, “No, you’re not!” But that’s not particularly helpful. That reaction doesn’t encourage a discussion—it’s more likely to end it. Also, you’re not going to change your child’s feeling that he’s “dumb” by contradicting it.
Bob Cunningham: When your child is feeling bad about himself, it’s tempting to talk about your own struggles or the struggles of his siblings or friends. This usually doesn’t make the situation better. It’s more helpful to focus on him and his frustration or feelings. You also might be tempted to tell him that whatever he is facing is no big deal. This also usually backfires.
Jenn Osen-Foss: Try not to sound accusatory, such as exclaiming, “Don’t say that!” Consider your tone when you respond. Avoid raising your voice or scolding your child. Scolding in particular could undermine the message you’re trying to convey.
Also, try not to respond to your child by saying, “You’re wrong.” Saying that may make him feel that he can’t even criticize himself correctly.
Mark Griffin: Short, simple, “I’m your parent and I love you” statements may not be helpful. Kids need to know why you think they’re really not “dumb,” but are capable. If they don’t believe they’re smart, they need constant reinforcement of why you think they are! They want concrete examples to hang on to during their struggles.
Give your child examples of when you saw him doing something successfully. The more specific you are, the better. Kids with learning and attention issues often feel their difficulties are overwhelming and they’re never going to get it right. It’s important to acknowledge that it’s a big challenge. But it’s not an impossible one.
Other Things You Can Do. You are the first line of emotional support for your child. But there are many other people who can help your child when he has negative feelings or experiences a drop in self-esteem.
Talk to him about the people at school who can give emotional support. And if his feelings persist, it can be a good idea to watch for behavior changes that may be signs of depression.

About the Author
The Understood Team is composed of writers, editors and community moderators, many of whom have children with learning and attention issues.]]>Mon, 17 Sep 2012 02:43:10 GMThttps://www.nbhctoledo.com/parenting-intense-children/tips-for-using-free-rewards-for-childrenStudies show that one of the biggest predictors of self esteem in adolescents
is the quality of their relationship with their mother and father regarding
intimacy and nurturance by the parents. Self esteem is negatively related to
parental punitiveness. Raising a challenging child can make it difficult to have
the quality relationship you desire. Both positive and negative consequences do
change behavior if they are applied correctly. The goal should be to teach not
to punish. If you have ever done a behavior modification plan, you may have felt
like you are simply bribing your child.


Most of us agree that children should behave because it is the "right" thing
to do. Unfortunately, some children have gotten attention for doing the wrong
things and they get stuck in this pattern of behavior. After all, bad attention
is better than no attention. To unstick them, we try behavior modification. This
is usually a sticker chart, points, reward bucks etc. The trick becomes, how do
I reward my child without buying something every time they behave? Here are some
ideas that help you mix things up, don't set the child up in a monetary reward
expectation, and don't hurt your bank account.


Family Rewards


* Cook with mom or Dad


* Choose the dinner menu


* Special TV show


* Later bedtime


* Play a card game with someone


* Brag call to grandparent


* Play catch


* Walk with parent


* Read a story together


* Write a story together


* Praise note on bed/ in lunchbox


* Trip to the park


* Blue ribbon


* Choose music in the car


* Excused from a chore


* Crown at dinner


* Candle in a cupcake


* Do an art project or color together


* Special snack


* Extra play time


Let your child come up with some ideas as well. Have fun with it and be
creative. You can always slip in some small things like stickers, hot wheels,
erasers, hair clips etc. Younger children and impulsive children need frequent
rewards so don't over extend yourself time wise or financially. Save the big
rewards for something special. As you see a turn around in negative behavior,
you can begin gradually backing off on the rewards. With any behavior program,
remember- not giving up is the key. Any behavior program should be in place for
at least three weeks before you evaluate the success or failure. The child will
test your commitment and consistency.

]]>Wed, 18 Jul 2012 20:09:14 GMThttps://www.nbhctoledo.com/parenting-intense-children/handling-challenging-childrenIntense children can wear us out both emotionally and physically. However,
many of the great geniuses of our time were challenging children so there is a
positive side to all of that energy and stubborness. In the meantime, what is a
parent to do?


Children who have a lot of energy like to explore and are naturally curious
which in turn means they are corrected a lot! Howard Glasser said it best when
he said parents are a child's favorite toy. They know exactly what buttons to
push to animate us. Unfortunately it is usually with a negative response. After
a while it just becomes natural to seek negative attention because we spend so
much time correcting them that when they are quiet we take a break and don't
want to disturb the peace and so a pattern develops. With other children,
negative attention is better than no attention so they seek acknowledgement the
only way they know how- by acting out.


It is easy to see how a negative self-image can be shaped quickly. Most
parents will try the traditional rewards and consequences with these children
and become frustrated because nothing seems to work. Both the child and parent
become locked into behaviors that don't solve the problem and sometimes magnify
it until one or both give up. With any parenting strategy, persistence is a key
factor. Children will always test the new system to see if you will be
consistent. Sometimes you will see the negative behavior escalate for a short
time. A plan should be in place a minimum of a month before you evaluate the
success or failure.


In studying many of the parenting methods, I see a lot of logic to the
Nurtured Heart approach. The approach itself is simple but powerful. The idea is
to give as little power and energy to negative behaviors as possible and put the
energy into the positive moments. This doesn't mean you don't give consequences
or ignore bad behavior but you deliver those consequences with less emotion and
energy. When giving attention to the positive behaviors, it is important that
you are specific and praise something that the child can't mentally negate. For
example: rather than say, "You are a good boy." You would say, "I see you are
really putting a lot of effort in that." You could also say something like,
"Thank you for being quiet when your sister is sleeping." The praise reflects a
specific behavior not a vague compliment. In this way the child can't reject the
statement if it doesn't fit with his/her self image. Eventually, the child sees
the energy is given to the positive behavior and you can subtly flip the
script.


This technique ties in quite nicely with tradional parenting strategies and
can be used with sticker charts or rewards systems. Some parents do behavior
bucks, chore bucks, and/or homework bucks depending on the goal. There are many
templates on line or you may design your own using a school picture or putting
the child's name on the currency. One parent with a diffcult child who liked to
argue everything would allow him to argue but it cost him $5 for mom to give him
5 minutes. After a while it wasn't worth the money to him but he always had the
option if he felt he needed to complain.


A final tip for using rewards is not to do something that costs money as a
motivator on a regular basis. Not only does it get expensive on you, the child
becomes conditioned to that and it becomes the only bribe you have. In my next
blog, I will offer creative rewards that can be used that cost little or no
money.

]]>Mon, 16 Jan 2012 03:29:16 GMThttps://www.nbhctoledo.com/parenting-intense-children/what-is-a-parent-to-doWe all have such high hopes for our children and for the most part our hopes and dreams are realized. However, sometimes the road there can be extremely bumpy. If only children came with an instruction manual! If you are the parent of one of those intense children who keep us on our toes, I hope the information in this blog helps. Feel free to share advice as well. ]]>